Story One, Episode Two: The Cave of Skulls

Story: An Unearthly Child
Original Airdate: 11/30/1963
Doctor: William Hartnell
Featured Characters: The Doctor (#1), Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright, various cavemen that look vaguely like modern day celebrities

Plot Synopsis: Our adventurers find themselves surrounded by cavemen. These cavemen eventually kidnap the Doctor and force him to make fire out of his fingers. They also take turns bitching at each other, worship the sun and go on long Shakespearean rants for no reason. When the Doctor doesn’t play along, he and his friends are thrown into the Cave of Skulls.


Our Thoughts:
:05 - The opening theme is still creepy. It's also extremely catchy.

:40 - Oh my God! The mysterious “man in the shadows” isn't a stagehand or writer Terry Nation at all! It's Ringo Starr! As a cavemen!

1:10 - ...And now we have a bunch of cavemen bitching about how some guy can’t make fire. Here’s a tip, buddy: rolling a bone in your hands won’t start a fire, no matter how much you grunt.

3:00 - Apparently, overacting is not limited to British schoolteachers. Cavemen do it as well!

4:45 - Crisis management, according to Barbara Wright: yell and blame people. A dirty look will help, but is not necessary.

5:30 - Ian is dumbfounded by this “odd hole” that allows the occupants of the TARDIS see the outside world. In the future, such a hole would be called “a window.”

6:00 - Ian: “...Doctor Forman.”
The Doctor: “Doctor Who?”

7:00 - The Doctor is such a cocky bastard. He should annoy me, but he doesn’t. Once again, Mantra disagrees. She wants him to get his ass kicked.

8:15 - It seems as if Susan has aged ten years between episode one and episode two. It also seems that she is trying to grow a healthy mustache. Maybe that’s what time travel does to a person - they age, then they grow the best facial hair 1963 has ever seen.

8:45 - ...And it appears that we have a camera cleverly disguised as a part of the TARDIS. Lovely.

9:30 - Ian cannot wrap his head around the fact that there isn’t an scientific explanation for everything. We guess there’s some deep point about the nature of Atheism or cynicism or something, but we're both too bored to look into it.

11:30 - So let’s recap: An old man, a teenage girl and two annoying teachers who are convinced that they are some sort of drug trip are stuck in the past. They are cold, they are confused and they will not stop talking. The Doctor, being the “man with the plan” that he is, feels that this is the perfect time to take a smoke break.

14:30 - We are treated to a soliloquy delivered by a caveman who vaguely looks like director/cartoonist/Monty Python member Terry Gilliam. He is ranting how he wants to see the blood of his enemies bow to him. It would be easier to believe his words if he a) didn’t talk like he was trying out for Hamlet and b) wasn’t chewing gum.

19:00 - The cavemen are going for the world record of saying “fire” the most times in three minutes.

24:00 - The last images we see are of skulls split open. Fantastic. We're guessing that this is the "Cave of Skulls" the cavemen were talking about earlier.


What We Learned: Cavemen are world’s first "aggressive douchebags." All they need are some awkward looking tribal tattoos and a few Affliction shirts.

Overall Thoughts: Still boring. I’d never thought I’d say this, but I would rather hear Ian complain than hear Neanderthal Ringo state how much better he is than Neanderthal Terry Gilliam. Hopefully, things will start to perk up soon.