Story One, Episode Four: The Firemaker

Story: An Unearthly Child
Original Airdate: 12/14/1963
Doctor: William Hartnell
Featured Characters: The Doctor (#1), Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright, various cavemen that look like modern celebrities

Plot Synopsis:


Our Thoughts:

:40 - Neanderthal Ron Pearlman just warned us that “they” are coming. We have no idea who who “they” are.

1:20 - Ron Pearlman addresses The Doctor and his friends:

“Hey guys... thanks for saving Ringo for us. He can be a bit of a douche sometimes, but he's our douche, you know? No offense, but we’re going to accuse you all of attempted murder now. Yes, we could pin the blame on the monster, but we'd much rather go after all of you. After all, we have to see that guy everyday. You guys... We have no idea where you guys are from. In closing, we sincerely hope that this little 'issue' won't ruin our relationship.”

2:30 - The Doctor says that it was the aggressive guy attacked Ringo. He says he can tell by the blood that’s on his knife. Obvious question: Weren’t the other cavemen a few miles away when he was attacked? This leads us to one of two conclusions:

1. The Doctor planted the knife on the aggressive guy.
2. He’s actually The Flash.

If we were betting people, we would put all of our money on number two.

3:00 - The Doctor has successfully started a caveman riot. It makes no sense, but at least it’s entertaining.

4:45 - ...And back to the Cave of Skulls we go! Barbara is throwing up, The Doctor is claiming that it’s “full of evil” and Ian is in the process of growing a pair.

7:45 - It seems that Ringo is fully healed. We’re not even going to question it at this point.

9:05 - Ringo just told us that his name is Zod... and the caveman who had just been banished is named Kal. We are not making this up. Spoiler alert: Kal is headed back to his Fortress of Solitude on “the other side of the mountain” to plan the best way to kick Zod’s ass.

10:25 - Ringo (Zod) finally believes that Ian has made fire. Is it because he saw it? No. Is it because he smelt it? No. It’s because he heard it.

12:00 - Ringo and some other guy is either in the midst of a “no rope, no-DQ tomahawk fire death match” or practicing the ancient art of Dirty Dancing. Random sidebar: Dirty Dancing would have been a much better movie if it would have featured a random “no rope, no-DQ tomahawk fire death match” between Patrick Swayze and Lenny Briscoe.

15:40 - Neanderthal Ron Pearlman must have been the first wishy-washy politician. “We hate Zod! Let’s kick his ass!” [Two minutes later] “Zod brought us fire and can talk really loudly! Let’s make him king! Vote for me!”

19:00 - Susan puts a skull onto a torch. We have no idea what good Ghost Rider would do at a time like this. Maybe he’ll team up with Superman to take on Zod.

20:50 - The cavemen are crying. I’m guessing that they’re sad that they missed Ghost Rider. Either that, or they think the Cave of Skulls set our “heroes” on fire.


Overall Thoughts: On a whole, this first adventure was pretty terrible. Most of the characters were extremely unlikable, the plot made almost no sense once they crash landed in Neanderthalia and the "villains" were neither threatening nor evil. Here's to hoping that our adventurers have better luck with the Daleks.