Story One, Episode Four: The Firemaker

Story: An Unearthly Child
Original Airdate: 12/14/1963
Doctor: William Hartnell
Featured Characters: The Doctor (#1), Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright, various cavemen that look like modern celebrities

Plot Synopsis:


Our Thoughts:

:40 - Neanderthal Ron Pearlman just warned us that “they” are coming. We have no idea who who “they” are.

1:20 - Ron Pearlman addresses The Doctor and his friends:

“Hey guys... thanks for saving Ringo for us. He can be a bit of a douche sometimes, but he's our douche, you know? No offense, but we’re going to accuse you all of attempted murder now. Yes, we could pin the blame on the monster, but we'd much rather go after all of you. After all, we have to see that guy everyday. You guys... We have no idea where you guys are from. In closing, we sincerely hope that this little 'issue' won't ruin our relationship.”

2:30 - The Doctor says that it was the aggressive guy attacked Ringo. He says he can tell by the blood that’s on his knife. Obvious question: Weren’t the other cavemen a few miles away when he was attacked? This leads us to one of two conclusions:

1. The Doctor planted the knife on the aggressive guy.
2. He’s actually The Flash.

If we were betting people, we would put all of our money on number two.

3:00 - The Doctor has successfully started a caveman riot. It makes no sense, but at least it’s entertaining.

4:45 - ...And back to the Cave of Skulls we go! Barbara is throwing up, The Doctor is claiming that it’s “full of evil” and Ian is in the process of growing a pair.

7:45 - It seems that Ringo is fully healed. We’re not even going to question it at this point.

9:05 - Ringo just told us that his name is Zod... and the caveman who had just been banished is named Kal. We are not making this up. Spoiler alert: Kal is headed back to his Fortress of Solitude on “the other side of the mountain” to plan the best way to kick Zod’s ass.

10:25 - Ringo (Zod) finally believes that Ian has made fire. Is it because he saw it? No. Is it because he smelt it? No. It’s because he heard it.

12:00 - Ringo and some other guy is either in the midst of a “no rope, no-DQ tomahawk fire death match” or practicing the ancient art of Dirty Dancing. Random sidebar: Dirty Dancing would have been a much better movie if it would have featured a random “no rope, no-DQ tomahawk fire death match” between Patrick Swayze and Lenny Briscoe.

15:40 - Neanderthal Ron Pearlman must have been the first wishy-washy politician. “We hate Zod! Let’s kick his ass!” [Two minutes later] “Zod brought us fire and can talk really loudly! Let’s make him king! Vote for me!”

19:00 - Susan puts a skull onto a torch. We have no idea what good Ghost Rider would do at a time like this. Maybe he’ll team up with Superman to take on Zod.

20:50 - The cavemen are crying. I’m guessing that they’re sad that they missed Ghost Rider. Either that, or they think the Cave of Skulls set our “heroes” on fire.


Overall Thoughts: On a whole, this first adventure was pretty terrible. Most of the characters were extremely unlikable, the plot made almost no sense once they crash landed in Neanderthalia and the "villains" were neither threatening nor evil. Here's to hoping that our adventurers have better luck with the Daleks.

Sotry One, Episode Three: The Forest of Fear

Story: An Unearthly Child
Original Airdate: 12/07/1963
Doctor: William Hartnell
Featured Characters: The Doctor (#1), Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright, various cavemen that look vaguely like modern day celebrities

Plot Synopsis: Our “heroes” get out of the Cave of Skulls and stuff happens... we guess. To be completely honest, this episode made entirely no sense.


Our Thoughts:

1:45 - It appears as if the oldest, ugliest cavewoman in all of Neanderthalia has stolen a shiny rock from Ringo Starr. We have no reason why, but judging by the music, it’s important to the story.

2:30 - The Doctor is one step above useless in the Cave of Skulls. We sincerely hope that this is not a trend.

7:10 - Another, far less ugly woman, is trying to help Caveman Ringo move the Stone of... um... Something to get to The Doctor. Said stone is blocking the entrance to the Cave of Skulls. According to Ringo, the stone cannot be moved. As he walks away, we can see the stone clearly move. Gotta love these production values.

7:55 - It appears that Ringo has incapacitated the old, ugly woman with nothing but an awful looking body slam. There is nothing we can say to make that previous statement sound any less ridiculous.

10:15 - Barbara is freaking out... again. If we took a drink after any time one of our main characters whined, complained or just started screaming for no reason, we would be drunk by now.

12:40 - Barbara is crying over the death of a wild boar. Wow. Just wow.

14:00 - It’s absolutely amazing how good Ringo’s hair looks. Sure, they can’t make fire, but they know how to make a damn fine shampoo.

14:30 - It seems as if Ringo has been mauled by an awful sound effect... I mean, a “monster” that just happened to be off-camera.

18:00 - The old, ugly lady and some other guy are talking about something. For the life of us, we have absolutely no idea what they said.

19:50 - How did The Doctor’s clothes stay so clean? We highly doubt the Cave of Skulls is a clean room.

20:30 - Did The Doctor contemplate killing someone? We think so...

21:30 - The old, ugly lady is dead - for real this time. Suddenly, all of the cavemen, including Neanderthal Terry Gilliam, Neanderthal John Bonham and Neanderthal Ron Pearlman are able to see her corpse using only their “mind’s eye...” and the video monitor that’s sitting just off stage, of course.

23:00 - Last image of the day - a caveman giving a dirty look. Hey buddy, don’t give us that look. We didn’t write this crap.


Overall Thoughts: Say what you will about episode two, but at least it made sense. This episode didn’t at all. We’re hoping that things will take a turn for the better once The Doctor jettisons the schoolteachers and the cavemen and meets a few Daleks.

Story One, Episode Two: The Cave of Skulls

Story: An Unearthly Child
Original Airdate: 11/30/1963
Doctor: William Hartnell
Featured Characters: The Doctor (#1), Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright, various cavemen that look vaguely like modern day celebrities

Plot Synopsis: Our adventurers find themselves surrounded by cavemen. These cavemen eventually kidnap the Doctor and force him to make fire out of his fingers. They also take turns bitching at each other, worship the sun and go on long Shakespearean rants for no reason. When the Doctor doesn’t play along, he and his friends are thrown into the Cave of Skulls.


Our Thoughts:
:05 - The opening theme is still creepy. It's also extremely catchy.

:40 - Oh my God! The mysterious “man in the shadows” isn't a stagehand or writer Terry Nation at all! It's Ringo Starr! As a cavemen!

1:10 - ...And now we have a bunch of cavemen bitching about how some guy can’t make fire. Here’s a tip, buddy: rolling a bone in your hands won’t start a fire, no matter how much you grunt.

3:00 - Apparently, overacting is not limited to British schoolteachers. Cavemen do it as well!

4:45 - Crisis management, according to Barbara Wright: yell and blame people. A dirty look will help, but is not necessary.

5:30 - Ian is dumbfounded by this “odd hole” that allows the occupants of the TARDIS see the outside world. In the future, such a hole would be called “a window.”

6:00 - Ian: “...Doctor Forman.”
The Doctor: “Doctor Who?”

7:00 - The Doctor is such a cocky bastard. He should annoy me, but he doesn’t. Once again, Mantra disagrees. She wants him to get his ass kicked.

8:15 - It seems as if Susan has aged ten years between episode one and episode two. It also seems that she is trying to grow a healthy mustache. Maybe that’s what time travel does to a person - they age, then they grow the best facial hair 1963 has ever seen.

8:45 - ...And it appears that we have a camera cleverly disguised as a part of the TARDIS. Lovely.

9:30 - Ian cannot wrap his head around the fact that there isn’t an scientific explanation for everything. We guess there’s some deep point about the nature of Atheism or cynicism or something, but we're both too bored to look into it.

11:30 - So let’s recap: An old man, a teenage girl and two annoying teachers who are convinced that they are some sort of drug trip are stuck in the past. They are cold, they are confused and they will not stop talking. The Doctor, being the “man with the plan” that he is, feels that this is the perfect time to take a smoke break.

14:30 - We are treated to a soliloquy delivered by a caveman who vaguely looks like director/cartoonist/Monty Python member Terry Gilliam. He is ranting how he wants to see the blood of his enemies bow to him. It would be easier to believe his words if he a) didn’t talk like he was trying out for Hamlet and b) wasn’t chewing gum.

19:00 - The cavemen are going for the world record of saying “fire” the most times in three minutes.

24:00 - The last images we see are of skulls split open. Fantastic. We're guessing that this is the "Cave of Skulls" the cavemen were talking about earlier.


What We Learned: Cavemen are world’s first "aggressive douchebags." All they need are some awkward looking tribal tattoos and a few Affliction shirts.

Overall Thoughts: Still boring. I’d never thought I’d say this, but I would rather hear Ian complain than hear Neanderthal Ringo state how much better he is than Neanderthal Terry Gilliam. Hopefully, things will start to perk up soon.

Story One, Episode One: An Unearthly Child

Story: An Unearthly Child
Original Airdate: 11/23/1963
Doctor: William Hartnell
Featured Characters: The Doctor (#1), Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright

Plot Synopsis: In North London, there is an old guy is living in a police box in a junkyard with a teenager claiming to be his granddaughter. Two well-meaning, but ultimately stupid, schoolteachers try to figure out why.


Our Thoughts:

:20 - The opening is by far the creepiest thing we have seen in a long, long time. A good portion of that is due with the quality of the surviving footage, or rather, the lack thereof. I have seen silent movies in better physical condition than this episode. The theme song, with it’s bizarre whistling and proto-electronica beats, did nothing to soothe our uneasiness.

1:30 - Susan is shown listening to the world’s greatest transistor radio... or a Walkman... or an MP3 player. Hey... she’s a time traveler. It’s possible - neigh probable - that she brought back an iPod or two.

3:00 - The two teachers - Barbara Wright and Ian Chesterton - will not stop talking! We don’t care what you think about Susan! A little bit back story is fine, but you’re abusing the privilege! Stop it!

4:00 - At long last, it’s the Doctor. He looks like Ebenezer Scrooge’s more eccentric brother. You know... the one who talks in riddles and lives in the universe's most kick-ass police box.

5:00 - The Doctor is having a grand old time mocking the two stupid people who will not stop talking. I (Andy) like his style. Mantra, on the other hand, just thinks he's being an asshole.

7:00 - Ian cannot wrap his head around the fact that Susan and the crazy man wearing an ugly hat are not squatting in a police box. Come on... it’s really not that hard.

10:00 - The Doctor has a frightening set of teeth. I honestly don’t know if it’s makeup or if the stories about British dental care are true.

13:00 - Ian is stupid. Not only is Barbara stupid, she’s patronizing.

17:00 - Lights are flashing! The Doctor is yelling! Things are happening!

20:00 - ...And great. The Doctor, his annoying granddaughter and two dumbest schoolteachers in all of England are somewhere in time.

22:00 The last thing we see is the TARDIS sitting in a field, surrounded by nothing but twigs, paper mache and an ominous shadow. Our years of watching science fiction are telling us that the person that the shadow belongs to wants cause harm to The Doctor and company. Knowing the budgetary restrictions these shows had at the time, the shadow more than likely belongs to a stagehand that didn’t understand the phrase “Hey Terry! You're in the shot! Move out of the damn way!” After all, it was cheaper to keep the shadow in than restart the scene from the beginning.


What We Learned: People in 1960’s England are boring and cannot stop talking.

Overall Thoughts: Boring. That said, we do want to see what happens next. Maybe Susan gets eaten by a dinosaur or something. Sure, we wouldn’t get to see it due to the aforementioned budgetary issues, but it doesn’t matter. Ian has already proven that he is a natural born play-by-play man. Harry Carey, Mike Lange and Jim Ross have nothing on his disbelieving ass.


Related Video: The first theme, sans the creepy opening imagery: